Pain is a universal invariant - Three heartbeats
by AllyinthekeyofX
Summary: Summery – An important realisation leads to an introduction. Notes - a series of one-shots from 'Reqiuem' to post 'Deadalive'/'Three words' They will eventually be put together in order but until then I will post them as I write them. Most are first person POV from Scully's perspective. But also, a couple where Scully is being observed. Please review. I will pay you.
Summery – An important realisation leads to an introduction.

Notes - a series of one-shots from 'Reqiuem' to post 'Deadalive'/'Three words'

They will eventually be put together in order but until then I will post them as I write them. Most are first person POV from Scully's perspective. But also, a couple where Scully is being observed.

 **Please review. I will pay you.**

Timeline – Post 'Deadalive'/'Three words.'

Scully POV

Disclaimer – I wish they were mine. Sadly they aren't.

Acknowledgment - Thank you to the very wonderful spin84 for being my new beta friend

Pain is a universal invariant -Three Heartbeats

By

AllyinthekeyofX

I truly cannot believe I have been so stupid. In fact the gravity of my stupidity leaves me breathless.

 _Because I just assumed that he would know._

That he would recognise this tiny new life inside of me for what it is – a part of him.

A part of us both, a miracle amidst the heartache, a piece of him left behind and one which, truthfully, allowed me to carry on without him.

To carry on when I thought all was lost.

I wonder if he had known before, whether it would have made a difference – would he have returned to the woods that night. I know now that he went instead of me because he truly felt he had nothing left to lose. The recent knowledge that he was dying had pushed him towards the only logical conclusion.

A finality for him that was born out of hopelessness.

And I can't help but wonder if he allowed himself to be taken to spare us both the indignity of his death; A slow and insidious death that would bear witness to the destruction of his beautiful mind, knowing that I could never turn away from him, that I would be there until the bitter end, watching as he disappeared from me, piece by painful piece until there was nothing left of the man I knew.

Was his final wish to spare me that harrowing journey?

Did he _truly_ believe that for me, missing would be better than dead?

That eventually I would find a way to simply move on with my life, as the memory of him faded like a shadow to be replaced so easily?

And the knowledge that he couldn't share his pain with me, the fear he must surely have felt during those frightening months before he was taken continues to cut in to me like a knife.

That he bore it alone.

For all the times he had held me in his arms, whispering soothing words of comfort to me and yet he felt undeserving of it for himself.

Was it the reason we finally allowed ourselves to be to each other what we had tried to deny for so long?

His final gift to me?

His final gift to _himself_?

I have searched and searched my memory from before. That I missed something, that he gave me signs that something was _so_ wrong. But truthfully, there is nothing.

Although maybe I was so blinded by his love that I just couldn't see, cocooned as I was in a happiness I hadn't thought could ever exist for us.

Mulder has always been adept at hiding his true feelings. But I have always been adept at reading him.

Or so I thought.

But since he was returned, he has refused to let me in, holding me at arms length as though we are nothing more than polite strangers. Lately, it has seemed as though he can hardly bear to be in the same room as me, all the easy intimacy we once shared reduced to a few stilted words as he barely meets my eye. He doesn't allow me to touch him, deftly sidestepping every effort I make to try to re-connect with him.

I assumed he was still in shock. Trying to adjust to everything he has been through, everything that has been taken from him as he tries to find his place again. So I have backed right off.

As hurt as I feel at his apparent apathy regarding our relationship, I have tried to give him his space.

Long nights lying awake, wishing he would call or text or give me one damn sign that he needs me as much as I need him.

But there has been nothing.

And now I know why.

 _I have been so stupid._

But how can he even imagine that my baby is not a part of him? Created by a love so pure that it was deserving of a miracle?

Because I have never loved anyone the way I love him.

I never will.

And right now, all I can think about is to make things right for him.

 _To make things right for both of us._

Because until I do he will continue to slowly self destruct. And I can't lose him again.

I just _can't._

And it's with that knowledge that I find myself standing outside his apartment door because I have to make him understand. I have come to give him the gift I thought would forever be mine alone.

But at the same time I am terrified that I have read this completely wrong, that his distance from me has nothing to do with my pregnancy and is simply because he no longer wants me.

And suddenly, inexplicably, I feel like running away.

"Scully?"

His voice comes from down the hall. So unexpected it makes me start slightly. I don't know why I hadn't considered he would be out. That he would have the advantage. Has he been watching me standing there the whole time?

"What are you doing here?"

His question is casual. He sounds detached, neither pleased or disappointed that I'm there and more than anything, his lack of emotion almost breaks me.

"I'm...I just needed to see you..."

He smiles that same smile I've become accustomed to over the last couple of weeks; that smile that stretches his still healing skin tightly while never coming close to reaching his eyes.

"Well, here I am" he quips as he reaches past me and unlocks the door, pushing it inwards and waving me inside.

"Be my guest Scully."

I walk in to the apartment. Memories of the endless nights I spent here when he was first taken suddenly rising up from nowhere, threatening to overwhelm me. The nights when I thought I wouldn't find the strength to even fight another day without him. When the world was dark and I felt more alone than I ever had before.

As I desperately clutched on to the memory of him to stop myself falling.

 _How can he not see that?_

How can he not believe in me after everything we shared?

"So what's up? What brings you here on this fine spring day Agent Scully?"

His voice is deceptively casual as he uses my formal title, a way of trying to disassociate himself from me, but now that I'm actually _listening_ , I can hear just the slightest hint of wavering concern. A concern he tries so hard to hide.

And it gives me the courage I need to do this.

So I step toward him, trying not to flinch as his whole body tenses. I can see him fighting not to take a step backwards, so before he can, I catch his hand in mine, just enough to hold him there.

"I want you to do something for me Mulder."

His expression is guarded suddenly, afraid of what I might ask of him. And I want so badly just to take him in my arms and never let him go again, to take away his pain, to bring him peace. But I don't. Instead I reach in to the pocket of my jacket and bring out the small, portable Doppler I managed to borrow from the obstetrics department of my local hospital.

His eyes flick down to my hand, confusion evident.

"What's that?"

I take a deep breath.

"It's a Doppler Mulder. It's used for listening to the foetal heartbeat. I want you to use it on me."

"What? Why? Is something wrong Scully?"

I smile then.

"No, nothing's wrong. I just need you to hear something."

He is still confused. But mingled with the confusion is a sudden spark of interest. And for the first time since he came back to me, he looks directly at me, those beautiful eyes I have missed so much. I squeeze his hand reassuringly.

"I'm fine Mulder. The baby's fine. I just need to do this."

 **XXXX**

Ten minutes later I watch wonderment spread across his face as, after a couple of false starts, he positions the Doppler in exactly the right spot for the sound of the babys heartbeat to come through the speaker attached to the device. A 'whoosh whoosh' that is the most beautiful sound in the world to me.

The sound of life.

Of hope.

And he smiles. The first genuine smile I have seen from him. It lights his whole face up even as he reaches for my hand, grasping it in his and entwining his fingers in mine. In return I reach up and lay my palm against his cheek, feeling the scars against my skin. And the connection is complete. Three heartbeats finally connected after so long apart.

"Say hello to your Son Mulder" I whisper.

End


End file.
